Jessica Writes

My best friend Carrie gave me the biggest laugh today. This is totally snort-inducing! Click on the link below:

http://www.jibjab.com/sendables/view/18uKe1sOX9V8IdPPd5ighNzm

Ok, I guess you were expecting a different kind of belly shot, so here goes — my 16ish week bump:

So, I am getting a little something, but I still think I just look a bit chub and not really pregnant yet.

Last night was our second childbirth class. And it was a doozy. I think I must still be an immature 7th grader at heart because I had a hell of a time watching the two births on video. At first, it was just an animation, then Bam! without warning it got real. There’s the baby’s head popping right out of the mom, and oh wow, there goes a massive football sized placenta! Oh my God, they set the mutant-sized placenta beside the bed so mom could take a look. It was bigger than the baby! I began to dry heave at this point. I have to do THAT in 5 months? Oh there better be LOTS.OF.DRUGS. Meet me at the parking lot with drugs, people!

Then we saw another natural birth. She had a very, very supportive supportive husband, who was so supportive, he got down in a table position in the middle of the hospital hall to let her stretch. Then, she hung on to his back and they did this penguin waddle waltz down the hall. It was supposed to help loosen up the baby or something. To me, it looked just nuts and I cannot even imagine Chris doing any of that stuff. But I will say the husband was extremely supportive and I know Chris will be in his on way.

Which brings me to a funny nickname my co-worker/friend Nancy came up with for the baby. She said she was going to start calling our little fetus the “eBaby.” Which, is actually pretty fitting considering I am married to Mr. Internet. Another co-worker has apparently said Chris invented the Internet, along with Al Gore. I swear Chris will be live blogging or at least Twittering the birth of our first child. He better make sure that his laptop has good insurance because if he brings that thing in the delivery room, I may just toss it out the window!

I’m currently searching for diapers. Not for my future child. For my cat.

My dear Sasha, a cat I have had for more than nine years, will not use her litter box anymore. In fact, she peed on the hardwood floor in what was supposed to be the nursery and now the whole room reeks of urine and there is a massive stain on the floor. Don’t know what we’re going to do about that.

Chris is not happy about this situation at all. Especially since Sasha has also peed on the carpet in our master bedroom and she poops right beside the litter box, but not in it. Poor Chris has to clean the litter box and pick up any stray poo while I am pregnant, so he is quite annoyed. He has mentioned her going to live with my parents but why on earth would they want to deal with her issues? He was worried that this could hurt the baby but our doctor said the baby would have to literally roll around in the pee and poo to suffer any ill effects.

I don’t blame him, but this is my dear cat, who has been with me through so much — my first roommate, several relationships, five moves and so much more. My cat who sleeps beside me every night. My cat who follows me around everywhere and gives me kitty kisses all the time. My neurotic, floor-pissing cat.

It has gotten so bad that she is now on kitty prozac and we have put in a cat phermone plug-in to encourage her to not be stressed out and to use the litter box. I don’t see how the cat is stressed out, but all the humans in this house are. The drugs and the phermones are not helping so far.

Anyway, I am at my wits end so I am searching the Web for cat diapers. If I have to diaper a baby and a cat all in the same day, I may just lose my mind.

My eyes! My eyes!

I saw one of these nifty contraptions in the store the other day and its image has been burned into my mind. The sight of this hands-free breast pump literally has me shaking in my boobs, er, boots. This is NOT normal! I don’t even want to think about strapping one of these medieval torture devices on several times a day!

Ok, and who the heck would talk on the phone while a machine sucks milk out of your boobs? I can just imagine catching up a friend while I am being milked. How would that convo go?

“Hey, Jess, how’s it going?”

“Things are great! I just got a hands-free breast pump so I am making lunch for Baby Ennis as we speak, isn’t that delightful? It’s so convenient to be able to milk myself and go about my daily tasks at the same time!.”

“Uh, I gotta go, umm, wash my hair. Talk to you in 9 to 12 months after I receive extensive therapy to purge the mental image of you, a mini-dairy farm, out of my mind.”

Click.

Before I got pregnant, I heard people talking about baby brain aka placenta brain where the baby basically feeds on your brain cells therefore making you suffer from memory loss, forgetfulness, confusion, distraction and disorganization. I now know this horrible condition is not a myth, it is indeed yet another freaky symptom of pregnancy.

Great, another thing to add to the list! I am really beginning to feel I was abducted by aliens because I can’t think, I make no sense when I talk, I walk around like a 90 year old woman and I look like I have been eating for about 10 people, not two.

Anyway, so far this week I have managed to confuse dates of things with four people and its just hump day. This does not bode well for me. So far, no major screw ups, but I really, really cannot keep dates straight at all.

I am just 14/15 weeks pregnant (I am getting some conflicting info between the ultrasound tech and my OB.GYN) and I am already beginning to lose it. I fear what is going to happen when I am really pregnant. I think I am being totally over-dramatic about everything, but I really can’t help it. Sorry for all of you who have to put up with me during all of this!

I know am a very sensitive person (to pain and sensitive in general too), and I swear everything that I am going through is amplified because its me. I really feel like a big dork. I am already starting to waddle! I’m barely even showing and here I am walking around like a duck! This is not right! My joints seem all wonky and when I sit for a long time, it takes me a while to stand up straight — I do this waddle, hunched over limp for the first couple steps.

Last night, I had to get Chris to buy me a heating pad because I am having the worst lower back pain on my left side. I used it for 30 minutes and then I freaked wondering if I am cooking the baby! Augh! Like I said, what kind of shape am I going to be in (mentally, especially!) at 6 or 7 months? Its a scary prospect!

Last night was the first night of childbirth class for me and Chris. I knew it would be a little early for me to take the class, but my friend who is 10 weeks further along and her husband wanted us all to take the class together so that’s what we did. I am probably 10 weeks less along than anyone else in there. Some people look like they might drop a baby at any second and this is a five week class!

I learned some interesting things tonight:

Although the video we watched suggested bringing a rolling pin to the hospital as a massage tool, that is NOT recommended. I wonder if anyone beat the crap out of their significant other with a rolling pin during labor at some point.

The video was a lovely gem from the early 1990’s. It literally looked like the actors were pregnant crack whores and their lovers snatched from the street. One girl’s baby daddy had a skin head hair cut (shaved on the sides, long everywhere else) and another girl’s partner appeared to molest her stomach with what I would call more than enthusiastic tummy rubbing. It was a little disturbing.

Most of the fathers-to-be in the class said their wive’s emotional state was the worst part of the pregnancy for them…including Chris!

I am fearful of next week — that is when we’ll be watching births on video. I don’t think I am ready to see that and think I’ll be doing that in less than 6 months. Augh!